It’s not because I lack ambition. I earnestly reach goals. It’s not because I lack discipline. I act on what needs to get done even though I don’t want to. It’s because I lack desire. I do not have a genuine strong feeling of wanting something for myself.
I lack intrinsic motivation. It’s like extrinsic motivation, but not really. They both feel the same (excitement/keenness), but stem from different places. Extrinsic motivation is reward/outcome driven, and results in a sense of accomplishment. On the other hand, intrinsic motivation kindles from within. It’s doing something for the inherent satisfaction and for a sense of achievement.
So far in life, I have been extrinsically motivated. I’ve worked hard and a lot to reward myself with a nice car, an apartment, vacations, etc. I don’t yearn for a nicer car. I don’t yearn for a bigger pay cheque. This is sounding like I’m materialistic, and I promise I’m not. All these things, to me, signify hard work, discipline, and commitment, for which I’m humbly proud and grateful. It’s just that I’ve never really learned, or taught myself, how to do things just because I enjoy them when it comes to work, dating, hobbies, and etc.
I’ve been at my current job for nine years. I need to experience different opportunities in order to be stimulated, to learn and to grow. It pays the bills. Meh.
The last serious relationship for me was about three years ago. I date here-and-there, but, again, don’t have any burning desire to find a committed relationship. My biological clock isn’t ticking. I don’t have my wedding day planned. Meh.
I started crossfit in January with a goal of rehabilitation. Ten months later, I feel better than I ever have. I’m in my best physical shape. Rehabilitation, check; Vanity, check. Meh.
I admire the desire others have. For example, Andrew is considering leaving his affluent career with a large corporation for entrepreneurship. His appetite to further success, regardless of the lifestyle changes and risks, is respectful. My crossfit penpal commits to complete a WOD she missed the week prior during open gym. I know many single people who look for, and find, love at speed dating, online, and through blind dates.
I’ll have what they are having. Desire.
I want to learn how to push myself to want more for myself. It’s not that I’m settling. I’m simply content. That right there. That’s my problem. I don’t want it enough; I don’t care enough to challenge myself. I’m not opposed to change. I just don’t go seeking that change.
(1) I want to want more. It’s a start.
(2) Self-awareness is the catalyst for a better you.
(3) Why fix it if it ain’t broken.
It was neither lust nor love at first site, but there was definitely passion and desire. I was shy and nervous. Was I ready to take this love public?
We went hot and heavy for the first few months, but it was exhausting. And, inevitably, it started to fade. But like any true love, it resurged to a more consistent and manageable pace.
This month, my blog celebrates one year. One year of me sticking to something I enjoy. One year of me continuing to step away from my privacy shield. One year of commitment. My longest relationship.
I started this blog to do what I enjoy, writing. It gradually morphed into a platform for me to diarize the conversations I have with myself.
I was hesitant and anxious when I first shared my inside voices. I was afraid of being judged. I was afraid of being that crazy one. Turns out, you’re crazy too. I am humbled by the feedback I’ve received to the blog and specific blog posts. The three common words used to describe my blog by others trend as: raw, real, and relatable.
Thank you for keeping me mentally and emotionally healthy. Thank you for validating the madness in my head. Thank you for telling me that I’m not alone. Thank you for confiding in me that you too similarly experience life. With nearly 300 followers on WordPress and Facebook in Think Rainbows first year, I sincerely appreciate the readership. Thank you.
Because I’m always thinking of my next post, I’m constantly reminded to think positively. The positive thinking isn’t innate, just yet, but nothing worth having is achieved over night.
(1) Good things come to those who work for them.
(2) Enjoy the little things in life. Someday, you will realize they were the big things.
(3) I’m serious. This is the longest relationship I’ve been in. This is as long as they get (and that’s what he said.)
In April, I quita crossfit workout midway. Thereafter, I was emotionally and mentally broken for a long while. The incident fuelled doubt about whether crossfit was for me, no wait, whether I was good enough for crossfit.
After that, I did continue with crossfit, but ill intentioned and motivated. I didn’t stay because it had proven to rehabilitate me. I didn’t stay because WODs made me feel good. I didn’t stay because I was learning. I didn’t stay because I was becoming a stronger person (inside and outside). I stayed because of ego/pride. I didn’t want people to know me as a quitter.
Last week, it happened again. I quit mid-workout because of an excruciating shoulder pain/tingling. Eventually, I felt light headed, and then my legs buckled, and I fell to lie on my back. Crossfitters encircled me, and an off-duty paramedic showered me with attention. For someone who likes to be a wallflower, this was quite the scene.
Long story short, I was out of commission from working out for a few days, and am now slowly returning to my routine.
Short story long, it’s time to celebrate. It’s time to celebrate me. I’ve officially learned not to care.
I don’t care that that people saw me so vulnerable. The last time I was utterly embarrassed. These people are good, non-judgemental people that I have nothing to fear or being embarrassed about. I’m so humbled by the follow up messages by so many people, including coaches (even one on a Saturday night!). Each time I received a new message, I immediately thought, “Who are these people? Why do they care about me?” Selfish me wants to think that it is about me, but truth be told, it’s about the West10 family. It’s just who they genuinely are.
I don’t care that I aggravated an injury. The last time, I convinced myself I was hopeless. Crossfit was hopeless. I would never get better. But, this time, I learned to accept that it’s just that, an aggravation. The pain will go away. I will get better. I will be better. It did before, and it will again.
I’m learning to shed what makes me weak. I’m swapping fear for awareness. I’m not afraid of injury, or my fragility. Instead, I’m learning how to be more body aware. After living in a cloud of self-doubt for so long, clarity and simplicity are welcomed bliss. I always knew, but now I believe that limitations only live in my mind. Today, ‘I’m stronger than I was yesterday, and I am weaker than I will be tomorrow.’
This attitude tried and true. A week after my latest hiccup, I attempted a handstand push up, just because I felt like it. I’ve been working on the basics (shoulder strength/mods) for nine months. I wasn’t even at the point of practising my kick-ups. I wanted it enough that I told myself I could, and BAM, it happened (after several attempts, and with tips from friends and coaches). PS: My newfound muscles need an audience of their own, so, as a shameless plug, follow my crossfit experience in pictures on Instagram at: ranisun.
The I-don’t-care attitude is simply acceptance. Acceptance eases anxiety and stress. It’s a key element of self-awareness. The better I know myself, the more, and faster, I become buff … I mean, the more at peace I’ll be.
(1) You may fall more than once. Each time you get up, you’re stronger than the last time.
(2) Self-awareness is the key to inner peace.
(3) ‘People cry not because they are weak. It’s because they don’t lift.’