No Thanks. I’m Not Hungry.

thinkrainbows_lifeIt’s not because I lack ambition. I earnestly reach goals. It’s not because I lack discipline. I act on what needs to get done even though I don’t want to. It’s because I lack desire. I do not have a genuine strong feeling of wanting something for myself.

I lack intrinsic motivation. It’s like extrinsic motivation, but not really. They both feel the same (excitement/keenness), but stem from different places. Extrinsic motivation is reward/outcome driven, and results in a sense of accomplishment. On the other hand, intrinsic motivation kindles from within. It’s doing something for the inherent satisfaction and for a sense of achievement.

So far in life, I have been extrinsically motivated. I’ve worked hard and a lot to reward myself with a nice car, an apartment, vacations, etc. I don’t yearn for a nicer car. I don’t yearn for a bigger pay cheque. This is sounding like I’m materialistic, and I promise I’m not. All these things, to me, signify hard work, discipline, and commitment, for which I’m humbly proud and grateful. It’s just that I’ve never really learned, or taught myself, how to do things just because I enjoy them when it comes to work, dating, hobbies, and etc.

Career
I’ve been at my current job for nine years. I need to experience different opportunities in order to be stimulated, to learn and to grow. It pays the bills. Meh.

Dating
The last serious relationship for me was about three years ago. I date here-and-there, but, again, don’t have any burning desire to find a committed relationship. My biological clock isn’t ticking. I don’t have my wedding day planned. Meh.

Hobbies
I started crossfit in January with a goal of rehabilitation. Ten months later, I feel better than I ever have. I’m in my best physical shape. Rehabilitation, check; Vanity, check. Meh.

I admire the desire others have. For example, Andrew is considering leaving his affluent career with a large corporation for entrepreneurship. His appetite to further success, regardless of the lifestyle changes and risks, is respectful.  My crossfit penpal commits to complete a WOD she missed the week prior during open gym. I know many single people who look for, and find, love at speed dating, online, and through blind dates.

I’ll have what they are having. Desire.

I want to learn how to push myself to want more for myself. It’s not that I’m settling. I’m simply content. That right there. That’s my problem. I don’t want it enough; I don’t care enough to challenge myself. I’m not opposed to change. I just don’t go seeking that change.

Rainbow Thoughts:

(1) I want to want more. It’s a start.

(2) Self-awareness is the catalyst for a better you.

(3) Why fix it if it ain’t broken.

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About thinkrainbows

positive thinking for simple living.

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