Oops. I Did It Again.
In April, I quita crossfit workout midway. Thereafter, I was emotionally and mentally broken for a long while. The incident fuelled doubt about whether crossfit was for me, no wait, whether I was good enough for crossfit.
After that, I did continue with crossfit, but ill intentioned and motivated. I didn’t stay because it had proven to rehabilitate me. I didn’t stay because WODs made me feel good. I didn’t stay because I was learning. I didn’t stay because I was becoming a stronger person (inside and outside). I stayed because of ego/pride. I didn’t want people to know me as a quitter.
Last week, it happened again. I quit mid-workout because of an excruciating shoulder pain/tingling. Eventually, I felt light headed, and then my legs buckled, and I fell to lie on my back. Crossfitters encircled me, and an off-duty paramedic showered me with attention. For someone who likes to be a wallflower, this was quite the scene.
Long story short, I was out of commission from working out for a few days, and am now slowly returning to my routine.
Short story long, it’s time to celebrate. It’s time to celebrate me. I’ve officially learned not to care.
I don’t care that that people saw me so vulnerable. The last time I was utterly embarrassed. These people are good, non-judgemental people that I have nothing to fear or being embarrassed about. I’m so humbled by the follow up messages by so many people, including coaches (even one on a Saturday night!). Each time I received a new message, I immediately thought, “Who are these people? Why do they care about me?” Selfish me wants to think that it is about me, but truth be told, it’s about the West10 family. It’s just who they genuinely are.
I don’t care that I aggravated an injury. The last time, I convinced myself I was hopeless. Crossfit was hopeless. I would never get better. But, this time, I learned to accept that it’s just that, an aggravation. The pain will go away. I will get better. I will be better. It did before, and it will again.
I’m learning to shed what makes me weak. I’m swapping fear for awareness. I’m not afraid of injury, or my fragility. Instead, I’m learning how to be more body aware. After living in a cloud of self-doubt for so long, clarity and simplicity are welcomed bliss. I always knew, but now I believe that limitations only live in my mind. Today, ‘I’m stronger than I was yesterday, and I am weaker than I will be tomorrow.’
This attitude tried and true. A week after my latest hiccup, I attempted a handstand push up, just because I felt like it. I’ve been working on the basics (shoulder strength/mods) for nine months. I wasn’t even at the point of practising my kick-ups. I wanted it enough that I told myself I could, and BAM, it happened (after several attempts, and with tips from friends and coaches). PS: My newfound muscles need an audience of their own, so, as a shameless plug, follow my crossfit experience in pictures on Instagram at: ranisun.
The I-don’t-care attitude is simply acceptance. Acceptance eases anxiety and stress. It’s a key element of self-awareness. The better I know myself, the more, and faster, I become buff … I mean, the more at peace I’ll be.
(1) You may fall more than once. Each time you get up, you’re stronger than the last time.
(2) Self-awareness is the key to inner peace.
(3) ‘People cry not because they are weak. It’s because they don’t lift.’