It definitely wasn’t love at first sight. When we first met, I was honestly sickened and turned-off. I was unsure of why I was willing to make this work. But I committed.
My love affair with crossfit began eight months ago with. And, for the past few weeks, my love has lessened, and this has me wondering if it was just lust after all. Has the novelty worn off?
I started crossfit because I desperately needed strength and conditioning training to rehabilitate some (diagnosed as) chronic injuries/traumas. And, I definitely got it. I’ve proudly come a long way from struggling to lift the 15lb bar to lifting triple-digits.
Admittedly, I’ve been at a plateau for weights because I’m afraid of injuring myself. I’ve been sharing my issues with my crossfit penpal. (Yep. That’s right.) We rarely see each other in class, but we communicate almost daily, sharing our high’s and lows and keeping each other motivated. Usually, we can encourage each other out of a slump, but I’m in deep this time.
My fear came true two weeks ago. I was in a confident head space and pushed myself to lift heavy for the seated back squats. I was at 150lbs and I had one more rep to complete the set. My core collapsed forward, and so did I … and the bar. I leaned forward into my knees hoping the bar would just roll off. It did, until it stopped momentarily on my neck.
For days after, I iced and heated, and took medication. Physically, I’m feeling awesome again, but am mentally scarred.
Now, I don’t want to lift more. I don’t trust my body. I don’t trust myself. I don’t want to increase my weights because I don’t believe I can manage them safely.
This new frame of mind has me uninterested in working out. Though I continue to go to class, the lust and love is missing. I don’t push myself at all. I even cheated on crossfit by secretly indulging in swimming (after 15+ years of avoiding it). I didn’t like it, and spent most of my time in the sauna and hot tub.
Is there something better? How do I bring the spark back? Agh.
(1) I’m still going to classes. There’s hope to revitalize this love.
(2) No one likes a quitter.
(3) You’re welcome, ladies. 😉
Last weekend, I was in the stands for the Nutt’s Cup Crossfit Competition. Raising money for the Lt. Andrew Nuttall Youth at Risk (LANYAR) Foundation, this fundraiser honours (Crossfit Vancouver Coach) Lt. Andrew Nuttall who died while on duty as platoon leader in Afghanistan in 2009.
Lt. Nuttal believed in making a difference, living life to the fullest. During speeches, a speaker commented that the best way she knew how to live life to the fullest was to be herself.
Like a true introvert, her comment resonated with me for hours after. She was right. But being yourself is easier said than done.
In K-12, I was the nerdy, loner kid. I never really had any solid friends, and there were times when I didn’t have anyone to hang out with at lunch. I never really fit in, and so when I moved to Vancouver for college, I figured it was a fresh start. I could be anyone but myself.
I spent my 20’s being a chameleon and parrot. I said what others said. I did what others did. I wanted to fit in. A big part of that was drinking. Social-ness revolved around drinking. I’m not much of a drinker, but I spent many weekends (okay, and sometimes weekdays) doing so.
Now, I don’t mind an occasional drink, but nothing more unless it’s all in the moment. It’s been a struggle to be more comfortable with owning who I am. My greatest challenge has been being true to myself, and not caving into peer pressures. Yes, I’m 32 and still struggle with peer pressure.
Very few people understand the preference to not drink, but even fewer respect it. I’m slowly learning that those who don’t respect my choices, don’t respect me.
Only recently, have I been honest with people (and myself). No excuses. I prefer to not drink. I’ve noticed my openness makes some people uncomfortable. I’ve noticed I don’t hang out with many of the same people I once did. I’ve noticed that very few people keep their comments about my lack of drinking to themselves.
On Saturday, I went out with some new-ish friends. I know these women from Crossfit West10, and except for one, I had not socially spent time with them. A little bit of the old me crept up as I was getting ready. I felt a little nervous/ anxious. I was unsure how my no-drinking would be received.
Even that little bit of worrying was too much, and unnecessary.
We hopped around the city to The Keg Yaletown’s gorgeous patio, Glowbal, and Biminis. Then, it was home time. Not one of the women commented on the fact that I’d only had one drink, or encouraged me to have more. This was different. It was a pleasant surprise. On the way home, one friend commented on how she appreciated me driving, and that sober Rani was just as fun as tipsy Rani.
What? Wait. It’s okay to be myself? This was the validation I didn’t think I needed, but unconsciously sought.
(1) It’s better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for who you are not.
(2) It’s okay to be different. It’s okay to be you.
(3) Those who are comfortable with themselves will never want or expect you to be anyone but yourself.
Not everything that happens in Vegas has to stay in Vegas. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m going to share a little something from my girl’s trip to Vegas last weekend.
It was a little out there, out of the expected/ordinary, for us at least. It started with the three of us playing Scrabble on the flight there, and ended with us reminiscing about the trip highlights on the flight back. In between the flights, there was ample time for craziness, which will stay in Vegas. For me, the most memorable parts were the random conversations with me pals, Karolina and Kerri.
In one conversation, I learned a life-changing laundering tip: wash socks separately to prevent pilling of other clothes.
In another, the one that still has me thinking, Kerri shared how some of her other friends were surprised to learn that the three of us are still friends after 10 years (we met at work), let alone taking vacations together. Taking a trip with anyone is a true test of the relationship, and our friendships have enjoyed many trips.
Kerri commented that the longevity of our friendships was because we are all committed to keeping in touch, and simply making it work.
Over the decade, we have each taken different paths in life, but share common goals: be happy, and live and let live. We want the best for each other. There’s no competition (unless it’s to compare my buffness to Karolina’s, and then it’s game on), no judgements (unless it’s to say an outfit looks terrible), and no gossiping (unless it’s to devise a plan to embarrass the other).
Kerri is married (to the epitome of the perfect man) with two young kids. Karolina is the hardest working single mom (just call her a superwoman with all her commitments/successes). Me, I am the infamously single professional student who selfishly vacations whenever possible.
We are three genuinely happy people.
Our friendships work as a group and individually because we mutually respect each other, our commitments, and quirks/preferences. No excuses, no lies, no shadiness.
We make time for each other. For instance, Kerri and I regularly meet for breakfast bright and early at 8.30am on Sundays, and Karolina will drop by for dinner on her way home when she has an hour to spare. If someone is willing to make any time for me, I’ll take it.
I’ve learned (one too many times) that not everyone is worth my efforts. If you don’t care, I don’t care. Actually, I do care; I just don’t want to be the one that cares more.
And, I think a key element to our friendship is that we actually create new memories rather than reminiscing about what once was. We continue to grow together. The annual girl’s trip is a prime example of this. Every year it gets better and better because it’s always evolving. Like, compared to the recent mellow trip, on our first trip, I can’t believe we … you didn’t think I’d actually finish that sentence, did you?
These women have been two of my longest friends. I know that friendships are defined by quality, not quanity. But finding quality and quantity (times two!) is pretty amazing.
Cheers to the next vacation, ladies. Cheers to high heels and itty bitty dresses. Cheers to attempted escalator jumps in high heels and a itty bitty dress … I’ve already said too much.
(1) Never force yourself into someone’s life. If you matter, they will create time/space for you.
(2) Friends know your best stories. Good friends live them with you.
(3) The only way to have a friend is to be a friend.
(4) “A true friend thinks you’re a good egg even if you’re half cracked.”