Archive | November 2012

Made You Blink.

Ask me to watch back-to-back seasons of Californication or (and!) Keeping up with the Kardashians, I’m all over it. Ask me to complete a novel, not going to happen. I like the idea of reading, but there’s just a je ne sais quoi (oh, look at me! I’m fancy, I speak French.) I have with finishing a book. Thirteen years of post-secondary and the one thing I’m so proud of is that I did that without reading a book to completion. It’s a real skill, I know.

Anyhow, the next book I’ve started is Malcolm Gladwell’s, Blink. It talks about rapid cognition and details narratives on adaptive consciousness, and thin-slicing.  In short, it’s about making quality decisions quickly, in the Blink of an eye.

Gladwell writes about making a decision, and knowing that it’s the right decision, but having an inability to articulate/rationalize the decision. Story of my life. I often find that I’m unable to justify a decision I make (and have feelings of incompetence). But I just know that it’s the right decision.

This concept made me thinking of dating.

A quick history on my dating life: infamously single, and when I do date, I tend to date the wrong men. Friends often tell me I’m too judgmental, picky or shallow when it comes to men. But, I assure you I am not. My track-record of exes confirms that I’ll date anyone (ha!).

There was one relationship where my instincts (adaptive consciousness) told me not to pursue anything, but I convinced myself that the guy was deserving of a shot because he was nice, and I did like the ‘idea’ of him. And, not to mention, friends always say I need to give guys the-benefit-of-the-doubt. He was a nice guy after all, right? Well, guess what, me and nice guys aren’t compatible. In hindsight, sure it was a pretty solid learning experience, but I should’ve stayed true to myself and my instincts.

Rainbow Thoughts:

(1) Listen to your instincts. You know what’s best for you so don’t let other’s convince you otherwise.

(2) Being unable to articulate a reason why something is/isn’t isn’t necessary. Sometimes you just know.

(3) I am hopeful I may finish this book.

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That Voice Isn’t Mine.

Yesterday I attended day one of a two-day course, Asserting Yourself in Conflict Situations. The greatest learning for me was that I realized that I don’t have low confidence, as I always thought; I have low self-esteem. Great.

With all the conversations I have in my head, I thought I was talking to me. I was convinced I was telling myself “I can’t. I shouldn’t” But the voice in my head telling me the negatives, is not mine. Self-esteem is affected by what others tell us about ourselves. Growing up, I was consistently told I can’t do things because of whatever reason, so eventually I just stopped striving for better/different. I became complacent. If your told so many times that you shouldn’t, or can’t, eventually, you believe it yourself, you enter new situations with that negative attitude.  It’s tough training yourself to believe otherwise, to believe in yourself.

This leads me to another key learning from the course; to be assertive you have to enter a situation with a positive assumption. I usually ‘expect the worst, but hope for the best.’ That’s not so positive.

Well, I’m off to day two of the course. Let’s see what new revelations I have today.

Rainbow Thought: I don’t have low self-confidence, just low self-esteem. Though it seems like I just replaced one issue with another, I think I’m getting closer to figuring out exactly what my weaknesses are (and then can work on strengthening them).

Break-Up to Make-Up…Not quite.

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I had a visit with my esthetician this weekend. She couldn’t help herself but to tell me that Jaya, former friend of mine, was back to seeing her. Jaya and I were childhood friends, and had a break-up after her wedding three years ago. My esthetician knows the general jists of the breakup, and now you do too:

The break-up: After her wedding, which I was a bridesmaid for, I expressed my feelings ([a] yes, I do have feelings, [b] yes, I will express them when I feel I need to). I shared with her how I felt after some of her decisions/choices during the wedding festivities/preparation. Jaya made a decision to not communicate with me thereafter. Since then, I’ve seen Jaya once, but there was no communication. On the other hand, people I know through her are still friendly and approachable when we run into each other.

Before my esthetician could divulge details, I cut her off just after she told me that she had asked Jaya how I was doing (as you can tell, my esthetician likes to gossip). Apparently, Jaya evaded the question said something along the lines of how life gets so busy once you’re married (insinuating a lack of communication between us).

I’m not going to lie; Jaya’s comment to the esthetician irked me. Pure bullsh!t. Sure, life gets busy and is different, but from my experiences with my other married friends, newlyweds always make time for friends, if they want to see the friends. For instance, Nancy is a good friend I met through Jaya, and Nancy met me for dinner the week after she returned from her honeymoon. Oh, btw, Nancy and Jaya haven’t talked since the wedding either (and the only reason I added this ‘btw’ is because it makes me feel vindicated, I know this).

I believe that we stopped talking, and and so easily ended a childhood friendship, is because we didn’t have a solid friendship to begin with, and so when I engaged in a non-surface level conversation (i think this was the only convo of the sort we ever had), she didn’t know how to handle it. She didn’t see the good intentions (i.e. work through, not around, the issues) behind why I wanted to share how I felt; she saw it as an attack. She’s definitely allowed to perceive my approach however she wanted to. That’s not what frustrates me. I question my ability to judge character (wait ‘til I start sharing stories from my dating life), and my ability to define friend.

Jaya’s decision to tell cover-ups of the break-up (I’ve heard various versions through mutual contacts) tells me that she needs to tell lies as a mean to play victim and take zero responsibility for the issues at hand.

I trusted in myself to do the right thing by telling her how I felt back then, and years later, I am still content with my decision. Sure, I’m sure I could have been more delicate with my choice of words, or timing of our conversation, but I have absolutely no regrets of expressing my feelings, or how I perceived things to be.

Rainbow Thoughts:

(1) Focus on doing the right thing, not things right.

(2) I may not be the best judge of character in others, but at least I stay true to my own character.

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